where i am & where the hell i've been

SO gorgeous ones, hi: I've needed to self-attend. Day 71 marked the breaking of Jenna's Juicy Feast, which ended with difficulty & relief. Still transitioning twelve days later. Today was first day without green juice and I... will plan differently in the future!

A lifetime since Day 70...I'll try briefly to summarize:

Remaining present has been key. The first two days especially were traumatic. I so wanted the comfort of my old juice friends but I knew that it was time to move on. I decided to break because a) I was becoming very yellow (traces linger), b) I felt the yang-est I've ever felt and knew it was time to surrender to less detox and more gentle healing, c) I just knew. It seemed the Feast was done. And so with open heart I began to allow the reintegration of a (somewhat)grounded existence involving solid food.

1) Avocado is a damn sexy feast breaker. I highly recommend it.

I do not, however, highly recommend goji berries (had some first day, haven't had since).

2) Was getting a bit freaked out about looking a bit too thin. I do not see myself as others do, I'm sure (some old fat girl issues :o) ) but even I thought, hmm, this doesn't feel right, I look ok now but any thinner... don't know. That started on about day 68/9.

3) Coconut oil consumption has stopped (slowed dramatically at least) in the past few days. I realized that processing everything in my experience is too much within the lifestyle I live. Slowing down the detox goes against all yang principles that have ruled much of my life. Loving surrender I'm beginning to find. Must constantly remind myself to receive; it's quite an effort. My skin is finally quieting down a bit after a first-period-in-101-days outbreak. That plus coco-oil induced detox equal skin unlike Jenna has seen since the last Herx reaction 1.5 years ago. Taking it easy now (or, doing my best). I'm just detoxing faster than I can "handle", so... slowing is a good thing. Enemas all the time, plus I'm signing up for standing colonic appts instead of my sporadic visits. Need help :o)

4) Muscle tone improved dramatically within the first few days of FB (feast break)ing. An increased sense of vitality overcame me immediately. Now I'm feeling damn sexy and strong.

5) Emotional eating has reappeared; it did so almost immediately. I thought, God, after all that, and...here I am again! But then, no, I thought, the unearthing has begun. My relationship with food has been my road to God. Now, when I reach for something, I know that it's comfort that I'm looking for, or stress I'm looking to relieve. And I'm choosing to put the food down sometimes, and other times, to allow myself the indulgence without the beating up over it. As long as I'm healthy about it and not binge-y I feel ok. (Ahem, and as long as I'm feeling happy in my body, too... light spritey.)

6) Huge reason haven't blogged (aside from no time AT ALL!!) is that I'm beginning to process viscerally. Much arising from a preverbal time in my life so I'm having to assimilate the experience and words just aren't there. Totally foreign (but familiar!!) sensations appearing. Loving the ride.

Really I am so grateful for every moment I'm breathing. I feared deadening of the senses (!) after FBing but the opposite has happened. I am hyperaware of the goings-on in all levels of my being, especially emotionally. SO much to feel at once, I'm glad I get to shed one layer of protective coating at a time!!

Will be posting less frequently, definitely from now till 1 May, when I will be arriving in LondonTown...!!! WOO

Lifetimes till then. Love oodles x

kneeling capricorn (68)

68

Today's rough. Feeling cloudy. Mom's round loaf of spelt boule smelled amazing, and I remembered wetting it with olive oil... (wow)

Enemas three days in a row, quite a novel experience. SO MUCH CLEARING occurring at once that my head feels like it's clearing at the same rate, or attempting to. The result is Jenna in the middle of a sandstorm, choking, eyes stinging. Confusion is front and center. Major issues cropping up. Moody cranky whiney. Wah wah.

Where do I surrender?

Mm yes I seem to remember a Capricorn having to fall to her knees before she realizes she's had her head in the clouds, and when she falls, she sinks beneath the clouds and is able to see clearly...and then transforms into a unicorn: her highest self. Here I am!! I'm on my knees, I'm writing songs, emotionally (nay, wholly) raw, quite human in all these (apparently perfect?!) imperfections. I loved a pimple today. Because it was mine and manifest, out from the inside (better out than in) and... just an effing zit! Glorious. Freedom (Acceptance--accept dance!!). Beauty.

Want some sleep, this post is just about done, honestly... and if it's as clouded for you as it is for me...!

Love big x

first impulse

I keep a few journals: a small softcover note book that I carry everywhere, a word document, and this blog.

My impulse is to write here uncensored, something I haven't done yet. Am I ready to take the leap? Let's see..

Feelings weird. Love

being in this body is incredible especially now, light-spritey and less burdened by excess fat layers. Feeling totally narcissistic. Is this normal, dare I ask, acceptable? Of course, acceptable but

ok before I get too in my head, what about the experience that took me out of it?

Last night I'm not really sure what happened during our tremor work in voice class. I think that's maybe a good thing. Working up in the sixth chakra, the voice that emerged was completely released kind of like Mariah when she really gets up there. It just kept going, I was tremoring out of control, it was taking me for the ride, and I thought, what the hell is going on? I'm not in control right now... but I was so enjoying it, I didn't want the reins, only to ride the swells and crash when it came time. (And when it did, I did.)

Today is different. More honest. Remembered before: visceral rememberance of responses I made daily throughout childhood and into early adolescence. An enormous underlying fear of loss of control enabled defensiveness in everything I said. I wasn't so nice. (Cruel?) I remember realizing one day, too, that I wasn't so nice, and making an honest effort to be kinder, especially to my mother. How awful have I been? Hard looking into the ugliness. Funny I'm breaking out in the past few days, first time since I began the feast. Combo: coconut oil mini-Herx & bleeding for the first time in 2008. WOw, and cramps creep back into awareness (when was the last time I had cramps??!)

It's like I was in neutral and now, humanity appears as one thing or another, over and over again, and it's like learning everything for the first time. Oh, right, I'm a woman, I have a uterus, ah...yes, this is what discomfort feels like, and nausea, and folly, and having a crush, and divine connection, and gratitude: they surface and teach me, then allow the next teacher to appear and give its lesson. It's amazing. And they don't leave, only retreat to the mid-or background, ever-present in my being, it's like making a diamond shiny, facet by facet, removing layer after layer of dirt, and knowing that some dirt will eventually settle onto the diamond again, and I'll just have to polish again; it's not stressful, au contraire, it's just like getting a Christmas present early--should I be getting this gift? WOw but am I happy to have it..

Also realized that in the conservatory, I avoid working with people (this behavior stopped in me the instant I realized it) who remind me too much of me, whose mannerisms/idiosyncrasies are a little too close for comfort. Dove into that discomfort Monday, deliberately began an exercize when I felt reluctant.

I'm still late. Running late all the time. Some days I do well. Some days I don't. There's this underlying current of something running so deep that I don't understand its shape or feeling yet. Still in the unconscious but I know it's there. It's a first chakra issue. I look forward to tackling it when it's ready to emerge from the rubble and also give myself enough space to relax, breathe and be patient while I'm on my way searching for it.

Missed seeing him tonight. Feel so uninhibited, it's wonderful, I could say, God, you are so beautiful! And feel lucky to be alive no matter what his response. Because I'm loving this me Jenna being thing, this shrinking/expanding, simple/contradictory, reflective/expressive individual that I am, who's sleeping somewhere in God's brain and loving the dream. And so afraid. And struggling too. But it's good to be here and to be human.

I have such a hard time learning lines. Could it be...(gasp) something in my life that doesn't come easy? Something I have to work harder than other people to master? God I hope so. I'm ready. Ready to push my wall till it talks back as my scene partner. And loving this inward spiral. Do I seem lovey dovey? Pardon, I don't feel that way, only so much abler to breathe; my chest, whole body are lighter.

And I do think of the body, how I love it so thin, how I don't want it to gain weight once the feast is over... the feast which I will be breaking in LONDON, as luck would have it! (Amen: there are no coincidences!) I go to sleep on the last night of my feast (April 30) and wake up May 1 in London. Juice will probably still be the first thing in the tummy. So much life till then.

(Ah, nice derailment, did you see that? To finish the thought: I'm averse to weight gain mainly because I want to just get me out of the way so I can do the work I'm here to do, secondly because I'm vain and want to be competitive as an actor. Having little can be like having too much: a habit, an imbalance. I strive for balance.)

So...time for some spring cleaning.

Was I successful in this stream-of-consciousness?

Yes! I was uninhibited. I may have called him by name (undisclosed here) in my journal, perhaps written with my left hand to allow the song flowing through to run run run, but that's about it. Just a big crush, that's all, just inter-connection between all our energy centers.. only immediate recognition of the self, a window inside, that's all. Existing moment to moment because that's all there is and relishing the gift of the experience. Not knowing and not really wanting to know. Gratitude. Tummy butterflies. Heart to heart hugs and smiles...

ok mush mush mush I'll cut it out ;o)

(Ha: tough girl emerges, she can't bear to stay silent through the heart's parade...)

All the love x

enchantment passing through

Day 63

So late... 1:40am: it's time to write.



Happy April
April showers bring May flowers so my mamma says



I am dissolving into the breath and into the music and the dance and connections with other people...



I have consciously released my clenched jaw since Saturday and subsequently entered a new level of awareness of breath, self, rhythm, the powers that be. Saturday I learned that I never need to think about inhaling again, only exhaling, and "once the exhale is taken to its logical conclusion" the inhale occurs without my doing anything. Simplicity. Let go of the clutter to live so basically. Clutter apparent everywhere: Wednesday this week will be a day of clearing in all areas of my life :o)



A beautiful awareness tonight during the acting workshop: A point arrived during each scene where I became aware of the energetic exchange between the players onstage, visually, so I saw energy expended in all directions, and everyone was surrounded by a pale golden flowing glow. There were large, fluffy energies and sharp, square ones; dissipating energies, direct ones... all moved constantly, and most beautiful was the flow exchanged back and forth between partners, like an underwater tennis match, when they really sent and received to each other. Wow.



My juice was super yummy today too.


Back in love with the greens:
fennel-cuc-celery-celeriac-kale-parsley-cilantro-garlic-lemon-meyer lemon love, + Udo's Oil DHA 3 6 9 blend + spirulina + coriander + cayenne + salt = magic


something about the oil blend and spirulina together is TOTALLY GROOVY!!! check it ouuuut


3 q of that plus 3 q coco water=one happy ickle girl
the last day of april is marks the 92nd day JFing for me so, this is the home stretch, how exciting



ciao for now
with the love that we are


xxxxx

(PS--can anyone name that musical containing the song "enchantment passing through"? hint #1: first line of the song is "we all lead such elaborate lives"; hint #2: elton john; hint #3: jenna is a huge theatre geek (k that's not a hint, just a chuckle) ) x

surrender and the game/ riding the waves

Day 60

Ok, I know it's been ten days. Poppy darling you say it well: I am one busy bee!

Updates:

-Today is Day 60, yay for me, thought I'd be done before 55 last week. My being cries, NO! NOT READY, MORE TO DO, MORE TO SURRENDER, DARLING! And so I obey..

-Musculature surrounding my first and second chakras ACHED this week. Conservatory + juicing= ROUGH! Surfacing, clearing, erupting, accepting, loving...Revelatory chakra work in movement class, gut-and-heart-wrenching scene work in acting, the wonders of tremoring with Fitzmaurice voice work... and I'm spent, you'd think, right, but no: today I took a six-hour Art of Breathing workshop with Jessica Wolfe. One after another, light bulbs of this being turned on. I'm totally floored. I am found.

-Yesterday was really rough, as was this morning before the workshop. I was feeling so unnerved, I realized, because I'm learning what it is to be human, and because I realized that I've been comfortably numb for a very long time. I'm thinking...ok, either people have totally shut down, because this is waaaayyy too much to handle, or else, they're used to this human feeling by now...what discomfort! Both cases must be true. I was very patient throughout the experience, and felt ok when I was present with myself, but when my mind went of with thoughts flying faster than the speed of light... let's just say that it's been grace of God since the surrender to my own humanity this morning.

-Meyer lemon pithe totally melted into my mouth a few days this week, I debated whether I would fess up and actually type in onto the blog, I thought, GOD, what've I done (are you laughing yet?), what does this mean, I want to keep juicing... yeah, so like I said it was some buttery soft meyer lemon pithe and I'm totally fine with it now. I was actually thinking of lying... was scared of judgment from...well, from myself, ultimately, but from you lovely people. Trippyyy, isn't it, the self-inflicted trauma.

-What else? It's been ten days, it's been an eternity, this is so overwhelmingg.. ha--not really. Books I'm enjoying at the moment (simultaneously, as usual...isn't it delectable to devour a few at once?) Anodea Judith's Eastern Body Western Mind, GB Shaw's Misalliance, and Why Men Don't Listen and Women Can't Read Maps by Barbara and Allan Pease.

-I'm dabbling in songwriting again (time has come to act on impulses instead of ignoring them). Writing lefty is super gratifying, and the shape of my words is beginning to look more advanced than Kindergarteners' now: awesome! I've been out of lefty practice :o)

-DANCE classes last Friday, first time in almost two years...RELEASE! First was a Rommet Floor Barre class (stretch/turnout comes assisted by gravity; I couldn't grip with my quads...I'm losing control all over the place! :o) yum) Second class was Capoiera, a Brazilian martial arts form: everything is very primal. Everyone gets in a tight ring and two people "play" in the center (after extensive warm up. My thighs/ass/everything were sore for dayys.. ). I was the only beginner in the class and I LOVED IT. So happy to be in over my head; it was totally humbling, an explosive/excellent experience.

-Eczema-looking rash on my hands for weeks now; finally my amazing mamma recommended that I apply coconut butter topically (to which I thought, uh, no, because, uh, my eating the coco.b. is what's causing the herx..) and of course she was right. It's healing at an exponential rate. Thanks mamma.

It's all about the surrender right now, embodying my oft-neglected yin, receiving, beginning at the beginning and ending there, enjoying the waves I'm surfing, which even at this moment are past; each moment one dies and another is born, and I just keep riding and swallowing water and sputtering and laughing and swimming and surfing again.

I'll be delighted to catch up with everyone's blogs when I've got some time this week xx

PS after over a week without juicer, exchanged the Breville Ikon and for another (Breville Juice Fountain Elite). Her name is Max. She graciously accepts her fruits & veggies, gracefully tears them up...it's joy to behold.

PPS just found out I made it to round four (the last one) of auditions for another acting conservatory in London, one I've been waiting to hear from (holding my breath, really) since March 5. Today's the first day I didn't check the mail, and there it was in my yahoo inbox. It always happens when you've forgotten to care, ahh, the miracle of the game... x

Day 50: on the brink

I sense myself on the brink of discovery.

As more facade falls away, my humanity reveals itself to me. This is a beautiful gift.

I begin where I can ground myself a little in the material world. The more I release, the lighter I become in spiritbodymind, the greater the sensation that I'm floating away..

SO feasting has slowed since the Breville died (suddenly) a few days ago. These days, I feel more inclined to fast than feast anyway, meaning drink less than a gallon of juice per day. Green juice and I have an intense love/hate relationship now. 50 days in, and having begun green juices about a month before day 1, I'm tired of green juice. Good news is the candida feels less powerful. There's been an energetic shift which verbally doesn't make much sense, but which feels excellent. In addition to green juice/tea/h20 today, I squeezed and slowly savored the juice of a pink grapefruit.

SUPER DETOX DAY yesterday. Literally in and out of the bathroom every few minutes, all day long. Quite a relief when it slowed (my Obsession of Dance print actually appears peyotified now...I'm telling you, I'm floating away). Feeling significantly lighter in mindbodyspirit, I practiced asana and began to dance, which transported me high levels of exist-dance. It's always been my prayer; so easy to pray like that, so fundamentally sane/instinctual for me to dissolve into the cool fever of ecstatic movement...and I was love in that rapture.

So the idea seems somewhat distant (only slightly, really) from this experience to go off to acting school for 2 or 3 years. Of course, there will be dancing there, and I could supplement with outside classes as well...

[NB Let me explain what happened between the words "as" and "well": the mind looped through argument after excuse after story after story, and I was made aware again that I am always aware on some surface level that I can wear any mask and be happy and comfortable, that I know they are not really me, that I could paint or dance or act or play tennis or whatever as my life's work, be excellent at it through hard work and thrive. The choosing is hard, because I morph and morph again, could keep on...]

DANCE is the link. The mind is so overly intellectualized and sixth chakra heavy that I just need to release that and drop down into my lowermost three chakras, give myself some balance for awhile. I don't need to make any decisions, ok...this feels super intellect-driven at the moment and I want to sleep so I can process.

Perhaps the feeling of my own power (excellent first auditions, including two recall auditions already, plus one coming up in London in May!) scares me. It's certainly unnerving, thinking of committing to something for a few years, when I don't know where I will be in five minutes. Seems that any committment made from love is valid, though, so...good.

So rapid is the overflow of energy that my voice has also runneth over. Time to be still and rest.

Jenna xx

amendments

hello gorgeous ones

1) my computer reflected the inner workings of my mind (was my entire last post as incomprehensible as #5 on the formerly-unknown-about-Jenna factlist? if it was, my apologies...) and didn't publish characters as i posted them.

the gist of #5: it is a recurring number in my life: my bday is Jan 5, mom's bday is June 5, Grama's bday is Feb 14 (1+4=5), the house I live in is number 5, I'm the fifth grandchild born to my maternal grandparents, this is only a sampling, etc...

2) accessibility is the correct spelling of the title (knew it didn't look right when I posted)

3) parsley, celtic salt and coriander were also in yesterday's drink. this thought entered my mind (I forgot to mention ingredients...) en route to work this morning, emerged from nowhere without reason. *shrug*

my mom sent me this pic this morning

love xx

accessability

How can I express the gratitude I feel?

It's sitting in the folds of my comfy blue Oxford sweatshirt, filling space where a bloated belly used to be. It's tingling in the toes, filling from the crown, trickling down through the ears and swirling round and round and overflowing, cascading, down and in and up and out...

Still...where can I begin.

White Dwarf explosion of love being born as itself. My heart is open again, I can breathe!! Body is entirely, ecstatically sore; subtle body "musculature" (if you will) has been having a workout. I began to weep openly during an acting rehearsal last night when I (finally) decided to Surrender and Receive (ie catharsis for Jenna); since then, the levels of ecstasy, compassion, recognition (literally A Thousand Names for Joy) that I feel are mind-boggling. Love was born over and over again with each moment when I started to dance today, and I thought, God, could I ever do anything else?

I understand (or don't) only in circles at the moment, feel kinesthetically coherent but verbally clumsy. :o) Could I... care any less?

Watched fabulous link which I found on Suki's and Poppy's sites; it's totally inspirational: go here
Started reading today: Osho's Love, Freedom and Aloneness: the Koan of Relationships. Gorgeous so far...

...Really feeling a bit incoherent...

Oh, right, so Poppy and Suki have tagged me, so I've got to tell you five things about me that you don't already know:

1) My first audition was for my home town's high school production of The Sound of Music when I was five. I sang, "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" from The Wizard of Oz; the CDs thought I'd finished but I hadn't (there was still one line to go: "if happy little bluebirds fly beyond the rainbow, why, oh why, can't I?") so I put up my hands to "hold the applause" (!), and then finished the song. I landed the role of Gretl/ 2) I'm a Late Bird and an Early Riser/ 3) My confirmation name is Sofia (middle name=Kaitlin; last=Smith), and I've also been called Jenna Joy, JenJens, Gianna, Jenna-Isis, the Faery Pirate (& la Pirata della Strada), sugar plum, pumpkin muffin, Cosmic Cacao Kitten, Jenna Ship, honey, sweetheart, sweet face (Gpa <3), birthday=" Jan" bday=" June" bday=" Feb" 4="5),">you're it: Santi * Malynda * Keiko * Audry * Penni

Oh! Trippy dream/wakestate experience this past weekend: (Lucid dreaming like whoa recently.) I vividly remember details of an experience in which I badly wanted to express something but found that the words would just not come out of my mouth. This happened repeatedly throughout the dream. When I woke up, I was congested, felt sinuses a bit inflamed, etc (lack of rest), and could barely speak. My fifth chakra was imploded in the dream, and when I awoke, I was physically blocked around my throat. Crazy! The mind-body bridge is mending. I wholly enjoyed Sunday simply listening (at a huge big fat Italian family gathering) and learning how much speaking I do unnecessarily. Meaningless chatter. Taking time to s l o w i t d o w n has rejuvenating effects, similar to listening to rain falling...

PS, I'm still jfeasting... haven't really touched on that subject have I? :oP Today's Day 49...well, at this point..yeah, now it's day 50.
Yummy combo today was the usual cuc-fennel-cel + kale, yellow squash, courgette, red &yellow pepper, garlic, ginger, lemons + cayenne/turmeric + Udo's 3 6 9 blend w DHA + spirulina = magical!

With the love that we are,
Jenna xo